Shatter
by Kouri Arashi
Summary: An introspective fic into someone's mind and how they feel about their special someone... problem being that he's the Sakurazukamori. Very short and angsty.


_Warnings: Yaoi. Subaru/Seishirou. Subaru/Kamui. Angst. Depression. Angst. Short. Rather twisted. _

Disclaimer: I should be this cool. 

Shatter 

    How long has it been since I last saw you? It seems like years, perhaps only months, but in retrospect I think it's only been weeks. I haven't been looking for you, but if I had been, I'm sure you would have been avoiding me quite adeptly. You seem to be very good at avoiding things. Avoiding me. Avoiding telling the truth. 

    Weeks since I last saw you, perhaps months since I found out you are the Sakurazukamori. I've lost track of time. It doesn't really seem to matter anymore. 

    I wonder . . . does it hurt to be killed by the Sakurazukamori? 

    Could it possibly hurt more than living? 

    Because it does hurt to live. Maybe I sound like a whiner, but I don't want to be here anymore. I don't think I can live with this betrayal. It just hurt so much . . . that cold expression on your face as you looked at me, like I meant . . . nothing to you. Like I never meant anything to you. 

    I would have been happy if you had killed me right then, before it had a chance to sink in, before I realized it was really true. Before I had time to spend those endless weeks in my room, wondering what had happened, what had gone wrong. 

    I thought . . . that maybe . . . you loved me. 

    I guess that only goes to show how naive I really am. 

    And then you disappeared into the shadows. Mabaroshi shattered. The illusion that you cared for me shattered with it. 

    I didn't see you again after that. 

    And then . . . 

    But I don't like to think about that. 

    And so now, what's left? I spent most of those days sitting in my room. I wanted to find you. I said I was going to find you. But I wasn't sure I'd have the courage to face you. 

    Until today. 

    I'm not sure why it was today. I just woke up, and thought, I will go see him today. And so now I'm walking through Ueno Park, waiting. I realized that I don't have to look for you; you will find me. I just have to wait. Why today? Perhaps because today was the day I really woke up. The day I realized it was all true. It wouldn't go away if I hid from it. I had to face it. 

    You're standing under the Tree. 

    At first, all I can see of you is the faint glow of your cigarette. It's getting towards dusk; the park is quiet and dark. Then you step forward. The remaining light does weird things with your blind eye. It makes it look flat, two-dimensional. If I got close enough, I think I could see my own reflection in it. It reminds me of a poem I read when I was a child. "Look in your eyes is like looking in a mirror; I only see myself, you won't let me any nearer." 

    Your other eye also looks flat. Unemotional. Because the Sakurazukamori is an emotionless man. There is no lingering love in that eye. Not what I'd like to see. I have to stop trying to turn you into what I want you to be. Have to accept what you are. 

    "Did you come looking for me?" 

    Even your voice is flat. Unemotional. Almost uninterested. But there's an underlying bit of amusement in it. You think I'm funny. You think I'm cute. 

    "Yeah," I finally say. "I guess I did." 

    "Why?" The glow of your cigarette waxes and wanes. You sound curious. Always wanting to know what makes the toy work. 

    "Because I wanted to ask you for a favor." 

    You laugh, and it twists up inside me, tying my stomach into knots. I almost lose courage, almost turn and run right there. But I don't. I can't. This has to be said. 

    "Are you done?" I ask sharply, when your laughter fades. 

    You walk forward suddenly, stopping when you're only inches away. "You've changed." You're smiling, just barely. Amused by the change, apparently. 

    "A lot's happened," I reply. 

    You offer the cigarette to me. Your hands are dripping blood. A very shocking effect, I suppose, if I was anyone else. But I know what you are. 

    I take the cigarette. I've never smoked before, but after the first burn, I can feel the soothing affects. I take a few drags and hand it back. 

    "What did you want to ask?" 

    You're standing so close to me that I can barely stop myself from shivering. "I . . ." My voice trails off. It's not from indecision, though. I know what I want. The trick is forcing myself to admit it. "I want you to kill me." 

    Your eyes go dark and thoughtful for a minute, as if remembering something. 

    "Why?" 

    "Because . . ." I can feel tears burning at my eyes and force them back. "Because there's nothing left. And if I have to die . . . I want it to be you." 

    "You don't have to die." A statement of fact. No emotion. No tones of perhaps wanting me to live. Just a fact. It's not necessary that I die. You would not kill me if I didn't ask. 

    "You don't know what this is like," I say helplessly. 

    That dark look again. "Yes," you say softly. "I do." 

    Oh . . . yes. 

    "You haven't gone through everything I've been through." Now I really am starting to cry, and I hate myself for it. I also know it's a lie. "Please, there's nothing left, please just . . ." 

    You put a finger under my chin and tilt it up so I have to look at you. "I can't kill you." 

    That's it. And that's all. You don't elaborate. Don't explain. 

    "Why not?" I have to ask. I have to know. Perhaps being the Sakurazukamori doesn't mean you're emotionless at all. Perhaps . . . underneath all the coldness . . . 

    You look at me for a long second, then release your hold on me and move away a few steps. I wipe the blood off my chin, that smeared there from your touch. "It's no concern of yours." 

    "Don't lie," I say. "I hate it when you lie." 

    You shrug, apparently deciding that if you're not supposed to lie, you just won't say anything at all. 

    "Please tell me." The ache in my chest is starting to hurt more than usual. I've gotten used to it lately, but usually it's dull, and now it's sharpening, as if my heart is actually breaking apart in my chest. "Please. I want to die. Why won't you just kill me? You're the Sakurazukamori. It's your job to kill." 

    "But not indiscriminately." You finish your cigarette and drop it, stubbing it out with your heel. Then you step close again, putting your hand on my chest. Over my heart. I can feel the energy gathering at your fingertips. I'm not frightened. I just want it to end. "You honestly want this?" 

    I nod. "Please . . . I can't do this anymore. After . . . after everything . . . I can't. I'm so . . . alone. And it hurts." I look up at you, challenging. "You know what it's like. Don't tell me you never wanted to die." 

    "I did," you say quietly. "Every day." 

    "Then why won't you kill me?" 

    "Because it's not your time to die." You lift your hand and turn to walk away, leaving a bloody handprint on my shirt. 

    "Why not?" But you're still walking away. "Subaru! Answer me!" 

    You turn around slowly. It's probably been weeks since anyone called you that. 

    "I went to him, you know," you say, lighting up another cigarette. "Just the way you're coming to me now. I begged him to kill me, to end it, to send me to my sister. But he wouldn't. And I didn't understand why. But I do now. I understood . . . with those last words he whispered to me." 

    "He said he loved you." I wipe the tears off my cheeks. 

    You nod. 

    "What does that have to do with me?" 

    You sigh, and lean against the Tree. "Before Seishirou-san died, I thought that the position of Sakurazukamori ran through bloodlines, the way that the position of Sumeragi Head does. But I was incorrect. Sakurazukamori . . . runs through the heart. The Sakurazukamori is always killed and replaced by the person they love most." 

    I can only stare at him. 

    "Seishirou-san was his mother's only love and joy, and when he was fifteen, he killed her and became the Sakurazukamori. Seishirou-san . . . only ever loved me. So when it was his time to die, I was the one to kill him, and become the Sakurazukamori. I had a choice, of course . . . but even I can only fight destiny so much." 

    "But . . ." 

    "When the time comes," you say, taking a drag on your cigarette, "you will kill me and take my place." 

    "No." My brain has gone numb. That's all I can say. 

    You just look at me. "I loved Seishirou-san. I still do. But he's gone. And after him . . . the only person I've ever loved besides my sister . . . is you." 

    "No." 

    "It probably won't be for a while." You look through the Tree's branches, up at the sky. "Years, maybe even decades. But when the time comes, that's what will happen." You turn back to me. "So I can't kill you, Kamui. It isn't allowed." 

    "But . . ." I can't take it in. It's too much. The ache in my chest has sharpened more, and it feels like that's all that exists. "No . . . I could never . . ." 

    You shrug. "It could be an accident. I certainly wasn't intending to kill Seishirou-san. Fate . . . takes care of these things." 

    "But I don't want . . ." 

    "And then," you keep talking as if I hadn't started to speak, "you'll find someone else to love. And it'll start all over again." 

    "I couldn't," I say. "Not after you and Fuuma. Not ever again." 

    You just shrug. 

    I want to beg you to tell me it's not true, but I can't. I know it's true. It makes more sense than any other explanation. But still . . . what now? 

    "You should go home. It's dark." 

    "I don't have a home anymore," I whisper. "Everyone else died. Everyone but you and me. I could go back to the apartment, but . . ." 

    You just turn to look at me. 

    "Can I . . . stay with you?" 

    You shake your head. "No, Kamui." 

    "Please." More tears. It's the least you can do after dropping this bombshell on me. "Please. I'm so tired of being alone. I'll do whatever you want. Just please don't leave me alone anymore." 

    You slowly walk over to me. "You don't know what you're saying," you say, and for the first time, there's something in your voice. Just a hint of gentleness. Not much, but it gives me hope. Probably false hope, but it's there all the same. "You should go home." 

    "Please." I step forward. Slide my arms around your waist, hide my face in your chest. "Please don't leave me alone." 

    Very slowly, your arms come up around my shoulders, and you hold me. There is no warmth in the embrace, but it's comforting anyway. 

    You step away. "You can come with me," you say quietly. "But you can't remember this. It's too much for you; I shouldn't have told you. You'll remember later . . . when it's time." 

    I just blink at you. 

    "I think he may have told me." Your eyes go thoughtful again. "And then made me forget. But I'm not sure." 

    "As long as I can stay with you," I whisper. "I don't care about anything else." Except death. But apparently that would be too easy. 

    You nod slowly, and lean forward to kiss my forehead. 

    "Thank you, Subaru," I whisper. 

    And the world seems to shatter before going blank. 

~~~ 

_Author's Notes: Right. When I said I was going to write an S/K fic, I bet that isn't what any of you had in mind . . . or me, either! It just hit me what a great idea it would be to totally confuse the audience by making them think it was Subaru and Seishirou. Which didn't work because I told everyone it was an S/K fic. I give up. Feedback? Please?_


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